人生就俩字丶卧槽
Love Your Mother
爱你的母亲
Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom?
你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
因为我是女人,她告诉他.
"I don't understand," he said.
我不明白.他回答
His Mom just hugged him and said,
"And you never will, but that's O.K.".......
妈妈拥抱了他说,"你永远也不会明白,但没关系..."
Later the little boy asked his father,
"Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?".
后来小男孩问他的父亲"妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say......
"所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣",这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,
他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.
Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked "God, why do women cry so easily?"
最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问"上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?"
GOD answered......
上帝回答:
"When I made woman,
I decided she had to be special.
I made her shoulders
strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet,
made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...
"当我创造女人的时候,
我决定把她造的很特别,
我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是,
却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...
I gave her the inner strength
to endure childbirth
and the rejection
that many times will come
even from her own children.
我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛,
也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害,
甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...
I gave her a hardness
that allows her
to keep going and take care
of her family and friends,
even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without
complaining....
我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进,
并且照顾自己的家人和朋友,
甚至当每个人都放弃的时候,
她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly....
She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears....
我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．．
她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．
I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults
and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....
我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....
我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心．
For all of this hard work,
I also gave her a tear to shed.
It is hers to use
whenever needed and
it is her only weakness....
When you see her cry,
tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though
she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.
因为这些种种的困难，
我也同样赐她流下眼泪，
这是当她在需要时可以使用的，
这是她唯一的软弱之处．．．
当你看到她哭泣的时候，
告诉她你有多么地爱她，
告诉她她为所有人所做的一切，
即使这样她可能还是会哭泣，
但你会使她的心里得到安慰．
She is special!
Please send this to women you know, and those with mothers,
sisters, and special women in their lives.
她是独特的！
请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人， 有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．
But, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.
Each day is a mountain that must be climbed; with courage each step gets easier.
但是，也把这个信息传递给男人，因此他们会明白女人是多么奇妙的被造物．
每一天，生活中都会有必须爬的山，但是勇气会使每一步都更轻松．
Love your Mother Always
永远爱你的母亲，
and keep her Smiling
并且使她微笑常在
全部人工翻译
献给我的母亲
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
中文：
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement．
A pupil meeting him said：
“Good evening，professor．How are you？
“Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．”
16．心不在焉的老师
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。
一个碰见他的学生说：
“晚安，老师。您怎么了？”
“啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
by Leigh Hunt
I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him．
The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him，and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：
Master．“Now，young man，have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．）
Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind？
（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．）
Pupil（raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No！”
Master．“Zounds，young man！have a care how you provoke me！”
Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing？”
（Here a terrible thump．）
Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．”
15．诵读课
李·亨特
当年我有个同学，入学比常规的年龄要迟，而且几乎完全不会读书。那时有个学生用的阅读课本，叫做《传教士和印第安人的对话》。课本不怎么样，尽是不得要领的论说和一些老生常谈。那孩子常常手拿该课本出现在学校中央，身后站着教师。
授课即将开始。那可怜的学生的毛病在于他读音节时语调深沉地拖长腔并略去应有的停顿。他站立着，三心二意地看着书，一面向身子右边瞄去，因为打击将会来自那个方向。教师盯视着他，手已摆出了打人的架势。因为时隔已久，我的引述可能不很确切，但就我所忆，先生和学生的一次对话的要旨大致如下：
老师：“年轻人，小心点；要不我可要让你狠狠吃点苦头。”（这是他的口头禅。）
学生：（大难临头，身体猛然一摇闪，根本记不得在“传教士”一词后应该停顿。）“传教士你能看见风吗？”
（教师扇了他一耳光。）
学生：（提高了嗓音，几乎是在哭喊，但仍不记得要停顿）“印第安人不能啊！”
教师：“该死！年轻人，小心点别惹我发火！”
学生：（一如既往漏掉停顿）“传教士那你怎么知道有这样一种东西呢？”
（这时来了重重一击。）
学生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因为我感觉到了。”
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．
“It works like this，” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！”
“I see what you mean，” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？”
14．诗人的名字
我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。
“这个系统是这样的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！”
“我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢？”
Proctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched？Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair？”
Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg，sir．”
13．右腿
学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里，浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？”
二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。”
Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”
“Yes，” said Landon，“he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”
12．亚历山大大帝
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：
“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”
“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。”
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．”
A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c”．
Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”．
11．“班”和“笨驴”
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。
Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other．
Last Saturday their mother said to them，“I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．”
“Yes，Mummy，” the two boys answered，and they went out．
They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy，” he said，“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors．
“He's a bad boy，”his mother said．“How did he break it？”
“I threw a stone at him，” Billy answered，“and he quickly moved down．”
10．是他的错
比利和波比都是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。
上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。”
“是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。
他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。
“他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的？”
“我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。”
Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．
One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor．
Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered．
“ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．”
9．新生儿
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。
一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。”
帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。”
“那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”
[幽默]一只死于压力的龙虾
2003年8月6日14:51 作者: 亿笑 金羊网
A giant lobster, saved from the cooking pot by a fishmonger, has died of stress after being exhibited at an aquarium.
Lucky, estimated to be aged around 40, was caught off the Gower Peninsula coastline by a fisherman earlier this week. He was put in the Silent Night Aquarium, in Tenby, instead of the cooking pot but was discovered dead in his new tank. Crowds had gathered at Swansea Market, in south Wales, when Lucky the lobster, who was two feet long and weighed in at 7lbs, appeared on a fish stall.
But fishmonger Christopher Thomas, 20, was so taken with the colossal crustacean he refused to sell and had it transferred to an aquarium instead. Aquarium assistant Mike Batt said: "I could see he was dead the moment he arrived because the water was murky. "To be honest I did not hold out much hope it would survive because it appeared to be ill when it arrived. "We pumped in oxygen to the area around its gills but I think the stress of the last few days was simply too much and it died."
一只年龄大约在40岁左右的大龙虾在英国高尔半岛海岸被一名渔夫捕获，幸运的是，它的新主人并没有把它直接放进蒸煮罐里享受美味，而是把它放在一个水桶里，并在几天后送往水族馆。可是，不幸的是，当这只两英尺长、7磅重的巨型龙虾刚刚被送到水族馆后，它就死了。“老实说，我对它能活下去不抱任何希望，因为它看上去生病了。我们在它的腮部周围区域用压力泵为它输氧，但我想，它在前两天所受的压力实在是太大了，它支持不住，所以死了。”龙虾被捉后，许多人都前往鱼市场观看这只异物，可能正是因为没见过这么多人，龙虾一下子被吓着了。
卖扫帚的人和理发师
A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
"Two pence,"said the man.
"No, no, "said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
"A penny."said the barber.
"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."
卖扫帚的人和理发师
一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.
卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"
"不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."
卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.
卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上."
Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
反正我太太明天会来换的
My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow.
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
"Cloth of leather?" asked the salesperson.
"Makes no difference, "replied customer.
"What color?" asked the clerk.
"Any," he responded.
"Size?"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly exasperated. "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them."
反正我太太明天会来换的。
一位先生走进一家商店要买付手套。
“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。
“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。
“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。
“什么颜色都成。”他回答。
“号码呢？”
“您就随便给我拿一付吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”
Good News and Bad News
The soldiers had been marching and fighting, they were dirty, hot and tired. One day, the general announced: "My men, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which one would you like first?"
"The good news!" they all shouted.
"OK," said the General. "The good news is that you will each be receiving a complete change of clothing."
"Hurrah!" chorused the soldiers.
"And now for the bad news. Jack, you will change with John. John, you will change with Tom. Tom, you will change with Robert. Robert ....
好消息和坏消息
士兵们连续的行军，作战，他们又累又热又脏。一天，将军宣布： “士兵们，我有一些好消息和坏消息要告诉你们。你们愿意先听哪个呢？”
“好消息！”他们嚷道。
“好吧，”将军说，“好消息就是你们每个人都可以彻底的换一身衣服。”
“乌拉！”士兵们高兴地大叫起来。
“现在呢，该是坏消息了。杰克，你将和约翰换衣服，约翰，你和汤姆换，汤姆，你和罗伯特换，罗伯特……”
最恶心的地毯
A Florida couple have been ordered to take up a carpet - from their front garden.
Steve and Mildred Nadwairski say they covered their lawn with carpet because they had had no luck with grass seed. They could not afford to spend￡160 on turf so decided to put carpet on the lawn of their Port Richey Home. Mr Nadwairski said he didn't think it was written anywhere that you couldn't have carpet on your front lawn. But the couple fell foul of a byelaw forbidding the collection of "public nuisance items" such as junk cars and appliances. A prosecutor argued that included old carpet and a court agreed.
Neighbours seemed pleased with the ruling. One says the carpeting, which is wet all the time, looks "nasty."
佛罗里达州波特里奇市一对夫妇在他们屋前的花园铺上地毯，把草坪盖住，因为他们觉得草籽会坏了他们的好运气，同时，他们说付不起打理草坪所需的160英镑。
当地法院命令这对夫妇把地毯移走。男主人为此争辩道，没有条文明令禁止在自家草坪上铺地毯，而检举人称，那张地毯太破旧了，就像破车等破烂玩意儿，给公众造成了困扰，违反了“公共损害条例”。邻居们对法院的判决都拍手称庆，说那张地毯整天都湿漉漉的，看起来“恶心死了”。
Saving Lives
At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
中文意思是：救人
在圣路易斯的一所医学院预科大学，学生必须修一门很难的物理课。一天，教授正在探讨一个特别复杂的概念，一个学生粗鲁地打断他的话，问道：“为什么我们一定要学这种东西？”
“为了救人。”教授很快回答，继续讲课。几分钟后，那个学生再次大声坚持：“那么物理怎么救人呢？”教授回答：“它通常可以把你这种笨蛋赶出医学院。”
Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。
老师：正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
中文：
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。
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